Mass Effect: Time and Punishment
by Alliance Empire
Summary: What happens when the great Commander Shepard breaks a toaster and tries to fix it? Find out here.


**Me: This is a small fun parody that I really wanted to try. I finally realized after a while that on fanfiction I can write anything I want so I made this Mass Effect Parody about one of my favorite episodes of one of my favorite cartoons. I don't own anything.**

* * *

Shepard inhaled the smell of breakfast as he sat down next to Tali and Garrus. Gardner really outdone himself. Three different types of pancakes: Regular, Chocolate chip, and Blueberry. Along with eggs, Earth kind thankfully, bacon, both Levo and Dextro based, pork sausage and toast of course. Got to have toast. Sitting on the dining table were all his crewmates happily eating... and causing trouble. Grunt keeps trying to get all the meat to himself and Jack keeps hogging the chocolate chip pancakes, but it was a nice breakfast altogether.

"You know, guys," Shepard said, getting everyone's attention. "I've had my ups and downs, what with the Reapers and the Collectors, but sitting here now with all of you in our cozy ship in this wonderful galaxy. It just makes me feel that I'm really a lucky guy."

"Shepard!" Tali suddenly shouted. "Your hand is jammed in the toaster!"

Caught off guard, Shepard lifted his right arm up and saw that his hand was indeed jammed into the toaster! Shouting in surprise, he started running around the area like a maniac, bashing the toaster against the walls to try and get it off. All the while, his teammates were trying to help him, but Shepard just wouldn't stand still. Jack and Zaeed were simply laughed at Shepards bad luck.

"Get it off! Get if off!" Shepard shouted as he started bashing the toaster against the counter and fridge. "Get it off of me!" And he finally managed to get it off. Breathing heavily in relief, Shepard slid to the floor.

"How the hell did that happen?" Joker asked in confusion how that random even just happened.

"I don't know," Shepard said. "But I'm glad it's o-"

"Commander, it's in there again!" Miranda exclaimed.

Shepard yelled as the toaster somehow wounded up back on his hand again and started bashing it against the floor… again.

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXX**

After he manages to get it off, by breaking it, Shepard thought it was best to fix it, even though everyone else said that they should just buy a new one at the Citadel. But Shepard was a guy and his pride was on the line.

Shepard was currently in the gun battery along with Garrus, Mordin, Legion and Tali as the broken toaster was on Garrus' bench.

"I don't understand," Tali said, crossing her arms. "Why can't I fix it? I fixed a bunch of these back on the _Rayya_."

"Why?" Garrus asked.

Tali shrugged. "We got a bunch of garbage from a Human ship and since they were a new species we decided to give their tech a try."

"Well you ain't the only engineer on this ship, Tali," Shepard said. "Top graduate of N7 combat Engineer training right here."

Tali threw up her hands. "Alright, fine. Just don't blow anything up." Then she left.

"So plan, Shepard?" Modrin asked. "Looks like it requires extra parts. Ones you destroyed. *sniff* Unsalvageable."

"I got this. Just got to open it up." Shepard grabbed a wrench and with one wack, got the toaster open. "Legion. The spare parts, if you will."

The Geth nodded as he handed his officer very funny looking tech. "Understood, Shepard-Commander."

A short time later the toaster was rebuilt, but with technology that looked extremely high tech. Too high tech, even for Mass Effect.

"Uh, Legion?" Garrus asked nervously. "Where did you get this stuff?"

"... It's best not to ask us that question again."

"Shep, please don't use it."

"Nothings wrong, Garrus," Shepard countered as he placed a piece of bread in the toaster. "It's better then ever. Now to give it a test run." As soon as he turned it on, Shepard, Garrus, Legion, and Mordin were surrounded by a force field of lighting. Shepard grabbed the toaster right before they disappeared.

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Shepard, Garrus and Mordin screamed as they tumbled through some kind of tunnel filled with clocks. Legion didn't scream, but he did flail around.

"What is this?!" Garrus shouted. "What's happening?!"

"Simple my friend!" Mordin answered gleefully. "We're time traveling! How extraordinary! I can't wait to tell my colleagues!"

"Wow!" Shepard exclaimed, keeping a tight grip on the toaster. "Looks like we're the first non-Brazilian guys to travel backwards through time!" Then a white furred dog and a child appeared next to them.

"Correction, Shepard," The dog said. "You're the second."

"That's right, Mr. Peabody." The kid said.

"Quiet you!" The dog scolded just before they left.

"No data available," Legion said.

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

In a flash of blue light, all four of the Normandy crew appeared in the middle of a jungle. They were shocked to see dinosaurs alive! They were sent back to prehistoric earth.

"Amazing!" Mordin exclaimed. "Simply amazing! We've gone back to a time before the dinosaurs of Earth became extinct. And there's the asteroid!" Shepard, Garrus and Legion followed the Salarians finger up and they saw a small ball of light, different from the sun.

Garrus sighed. "That's not good."

Legions one eye blinked a few times. "Analysis indicates we have exactly one year, 7 months, 2 weeks, 4 days, 21 hours and 9 minutes starting now until the asteroid impacts Earth."

Suddenly a Pteranodon flew over, causing all four to duck.

"Well we ain't staying here!" Shepard exclaimed. "Mordin. Thoughts?"

"Yes. Don't panic. But most importantly, don't step on anything." The Salarian warned. "Even the tiniest of change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine."

"Yeah, I saw Doctor Who. So as long as we stand perfectly still until I can get this damn toaster to work, we won't destroy the future."

Then a large mosquito started buzzing around Garrus' head, irritating him. "Stupid bug! You go squish now!" The Turian shouted before crushing the bug against his armor with his claws. Shepard and Mordin gasped while Legions flaps on his head shot up. "W-well that was just one little insignificant mosquito. That can't change anything, right? Right?"

A prehistoric sloth then walks by and shrugs in a gesture that meant 'I don't know.'

Everyone stared at the sight until Shepard asked Legion, "That's not suppose to be here yet, right?"

"The Megatheriidae also known as the giant ground sloth?" Legion asked. "Not for another 40 million years."

Then the toast pops out of the toaster and they disappeared again in a flash of blue and appeared in the Normandy's gun battery. They breathed a sigh of relief.

"We're back." Shepard said as they walked out the door and saw their teammates eating lunch. "Oh, our loving weird ass family. Nothings changed."

Suddenly an alarm was heard. The rest of the Normandy crew dropped their utensils and whatever else they were holding and shot up to their feet. A large holographic screen popped out from the ceiling and Shepard, Garrus, Mordin and Legion were shocked to see the Illusive Man appear. _"How goes everything my loyal Normandy crew?"_

"Very well, sir!" They all shouted as they saluted. Everyone. Thane, Zaeed, Kasumi, Grunt, Samara, Tali and even Jack!

"What the hell is this?!" Shepard exclaimed. "Why is TIM on the screen?" After this, an alarm was heard and the Normandy was flashing a red color.

 _"Well well,"_ The Illusive Man said as he puffed his cigarette. _"Seems we have a trouble maker. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask the whole Normandy to freeze and prepare for reeducation."_

"Don't you remember, Shepard?" Jack asked her commander in confusion. "The Illusive Man is the unquestioned Lord and Master of the Galaxy after he conquered the Reapers."

"DOH!" Shepard shouted.

Mordin glared at the one responsible for this mess. "Garrus!"

"It was one mosquito!" Garrus shouted, trying to defend himself.

Just then the whole ship started rocking. Shepard, Garrus, Mordin and Legion ran to the bar and looked out the window to see a Reaper grabbing the Normandy with its appendages.

"...No data available."

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

The Reaper soon arrived at Horizon towards a giant building dubbed the 'REEDUCATION CENTER' where inside, hundreds of people of all species were sitting on chairs, including the Normandy crew.

 _"Alright everyone."_ The Illusive man said on a giant screen in front of the large crowd. _"Now I know my methods haven't been exactly friendly, what with all the genocide, but you should all be happy that we've advanced so much now. So lets see some smiles."_ Hooks popped out from the Ceiling and hooked onto the corners of everyone's mouths and pulled up, forcing them to smile. _"Just relax and let the hooks do their work."_

While the rest of the Normandy took their punishment like whipped dogs, Shepard, Garrus and Mordin scowled as hard as they could while Legion simply sat there since he didn't have a mouth. "What the hell are you smiling at?!" Shepard growled at Balak the Batarian slaver, who looks really ready to die right now.

After that was done with, everyone now stood in line. Shepard, Garrus and Mordin rubbed their cheeks to get feeling back in them.

On the screen, The Illusive Man spoke up. _"Well, incase the smiling didn't help, there's one thing that never fails. A nice neurosurgical treatment of the brain. By which I mean a total frontal lobotomy."_

"Uh oh," Garrus gulped.

"Its not so bad, everyone."

Shepard spun around to see Anderson walking towards them with a weird, demented look on his face. And he was carrying something. "They go in through your nose and they let you keep the piece of brain they cut out. Look." Everyone jumped back when they saw the jar filled with green liquid and Anderson's brain floating in it! "Hello. Hello there. Who's those big men there? Who they?"

"Join us, friends," The rest of the Normandy crew said with glazed looks in their eyes and drooling at the mouths.

Samara giggled stupidly to herself as she held up her jar. "It's... **bliss**."

"NOOOOO!" Shepard shouted as he, Garrus, Mordin and Legion made a run for the _Normandy_. Unfortunately the Illusive Man wasn't going to let them go that easily so a pack of varren were released and started chasing after the non-lobotomized Normandy crew.

"They're gaining on us!" Garrus shouted.

"Wait!" Mordin exclaimed. He reached into his lab coat and pulled out a living pyjack.

"Why do you have that?" Shepard questioned the doctor.

"Was on Tuchanka! Chased by varren! Threw pyjack to distract beasts! Always keep one just in case since then!" Mordin threw the pyjack behind him and the varren quickly converged on the poor primate.

"We gotta go back!" Shepard said as he grabbed the toaster. "Fix future." He started up the toaster and he and his teammates were teleported back to the cretaceous period. "Okay, this time we're not gonna touch a thing." Then they heard a roar and a Tyrannosaurus Rex smashed its way through the trees. They screamed and ran for it, making sure not to kill anything. "Mustn't crush! Mustn't kill! Made it!" And they skidded to a stop next to the ocean.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Garrus sat down... on a walking fish.

"Are you serious?!" Shepard shouted in surprise as Mordin and Legion face-palmed.

Garrus groaned. "Oh, I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish."

Then the toaster pooped up and they we're teleported back to the gun battery. But when they stepped out, they didn't see anyone.

"Where is everybody?" Shepard asked in confusion.

Just then the roof of the Normandy was ripped off and they looked up to see Grunt and Jack, both absolutely enormous! "Hey, bugs that look like our friends." Grunt said to Jack. "Let's squish 'em!"

"Okay!"

Everyone screamed and managed to make it back into the gun battery before they were crushed. They activated the toaster again and landed back in prehistoric time. They screamed again when they saw the T-rex, only for Shepard to suddenly sneeze at it. The Rex sniffled a bit before sneezing... then falling over dead. After which it started affecting the other dinosaurs as they sneezed and died one by one until there was nothing left alive.

Everyone stared in disbelief at how one little sneeze could render the Dinosaurs extinct. "This is gonna cost us." Shepard said worryingly just as the toaster activated again.

Carefully they stepped out the door and saw that they were in a house! It was the Normandy, but the inside was a house. A fancy house like Victorian era England and their entire crew was wearing fancy clothing as they sat at a fancy table with fancy food on it as Thane and Zaeed we're playing violins and Jack was playing the cello.

"Doh!" Shepard shouted before realizing what he saw. "I mean- hey!"

"Good afternoon, my good sirs," Grunt said in a classy British voice as he was dressed as a butler with a powdered wig. For some reason he looked different. Like a true non-cloned full grown Krogan. He handed Shepard a newspaper. "I hope your day is well. Especially you, sir Solus."

"Uh..." Was all Mordin could say at the moment. "Thank you, Grunt. How is Tuchanka?"

"Very well. Urdnot Wrex has just been given the Council Peace prize for his work in controlling those nasty Thresher Maws from spreading through space. Good thing peace was achieved during the rebellions before the Genophage was released."

"Which reminds me, Legion," Tali said to Legion, whos flaps shot up in surprise at seeing Tali without a mask and breathing normally. "I need you to speak to my father when you have a chance on discussing the new colony the Rannoch Consensus is setting up. He's worried about the native life and how it might effect the Geth's internal systems."

Garrus made a sound like he was choking. "Jack. Impressive music."

"Thank you, Garrus," The now peaceful psychotic biotic said pleasantly. "You can thank Miranda for this new cello."

"Indeed," The Cerberus agent said. "By the way, Commander. The Illusive man wanted me to remind you to remember you have an appointment with the Council about the new weapon against the Reapers."

Shepard blinks in surprise. "Uh, the weapon?"

"Yes. The giant plasma cannon has been successfully tested and will destroy the entire force in seconds."

"Ooh."

"Will we be also taking the Normandy to the Andromeda Galaxy soon?" Joker said as he stood upright without breaking anything and with a hologram of Edi next to him. "Ryder wants you to see how well the Initiative is doing after their 100th colony just started up."

Shepard, Garrus, Mordin and Legion looked to each other and nodded in agreement.

"Fabulous powerful ship, big weapon to fight Reapers and councilors listening to me," Shepard started.

"Well behaved teammates, the Andromeda Initiative working out," Garrus secondly said.

"Genophage gone," Mordin said third.

"Peace between synthetics and organics," Legion finished.

"Woohoo!" Shepard and Garrus cheered while Mordin clapped and Legion.. well, if he had a mouth he would be smiling. "We hit the jackpot!"

"This calls for a celebration!" Shepard said. "Tali, would you kindly tell me where the beer is."

"Beer?" Tali said in confusion. "What's a beer?"

Shepard and Garrus screamed three times before they ran back to the gun battery, intending to go back in time and fix this mess.

Mordin sighs and says, "They're our ride." Before he and Legion followed after the Commander and sniper.

As soon as they left thunder was heard. Tali looked outside and said, "Oh, it's raining again." Actually it was raining beer. Too bad Shepard and Garrus left too soon.

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

They started up the toaster again and they landed who knows where anymore.

"I still don't understand why we couldn't stay!" Mordin said hotly. "No genophage. No synthetic hate. Prepared for Reapers-"

"But no beer!" Garrus shouted.

Legions flaps were moving up and down, like he was angry. "This unit fails to understand what the importance is of a chemical that causes diabetes, cancer, brain damage, heart disease and liver failure!"

"Don't use your fancy words on us!" Shepard shot back. "Now lets see where the hell we are now." The walked to the gun battery door, which opened, and they saw- "Admiral Hackett?!" The commander shouted in surprise as the rest of the team stood shocked.

"You're still not in your own galaxy, Shepard." The Admiral said. "I can get you all home, but you have to do exactly as I-" He screamed before he could finish and fell forward dead. Embedded in his back was an axe and a Pyjack holding the axe.

Then the Pyjack talked in a deep voice. "This is indeed a disturbing universe."

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Teleported back in time to the Cretaceous, the team finally had enough. They stood angrily, their bodies shaking and weapons in their hands.

"Don't touch anything?!" Shepard shouted as he dropped the toaster. "We'll touch whatever we want!"

Roaring in rage, they commenced with their rampage. Shepard was duel wielding Revenant LMG's and shooting everything in sight, Mordin was shooting fireballs and iceballs at anything that moved, Legion shoots a T-rex with his Widow rifle before standing atop the head and if he could he be shouting a war cry, and finally Garrus grabbed the barrel of his Mantis rifle and used it as a club. The Turian first smashed a small tree, then a fruit, then stomped on a lizard and when a giant mosquito was coming at him Garrus punched it to the ground and started bashing it with his makeshift club.

The toaster activated again soon after and because of these actions ramifications were happening in the future. The Normandy kept changing into famous ships such as the Battlestar _Galactica_ , The Millennium Falcon, The Original _Enterprise_ , _Enterprise-D_ , _Voyager_ and much more.

Watching from dark space was Harbinger and another Reaper.

"Foolish organics," Harbinger said. "Totally unprepared for the effects of time travel."

Both the Reapers laugh, only for another ramification to occur as both were transformed into Peabody and Sherman.

"What happened to us, Harbinger?" Sherman asked

"Quiet you!"

 **XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

After that whole fiasco the team returned from their rampage. Slowly they walked to the doors of the gun battery, weapons ready. Shepard slowly had the doors open and saw their normal crew sitting down for lunch.

Tali looked up from where she was standing, eyeing the pad in her hands with her faceplate on. "Oh, hey, Shepard. How are you doing?"

Shepard grabbed her by the shoulders. "Tali, what's my name! What's going on with the Reapers! How's the Geth! What of BEER! WHAT! For the love of God, woman, tell me!"

"Shepard, calm down!" The Quarian exclaimed as she pushed her commander away. "The Reapers are still coming, the Geth are as dangerous as ever, and beer is plentiful. What's going on with you?"

"Nothing, nothing," Shepard said and Garrus and Mordin breathed sighs of relief and Legion... simply stood there. "Nothing at all. Let's just eat."

As the rest of the crew took their seats lizard tongues shot out of heir mouths and scooped up the food. Shepard, Garrus, Mordin and Legion stared at the sight before shrugging. "Close enough."

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 **ME: Oh my god I just could not help myself. I said to myself 'Would this work?' and I guess it did. I don't know why I didn't do this before because this is Fanfiction. I can put whatever I want.**


End file.
